3 days at bar

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yes, my wife…”

An Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting,cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I
want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, 'you must try again, of course.'

Bank Manager is smarter than a Robber

There was this robbery in Guangzhou , the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
-------------------------------------------------
One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
-------------------------------------------------
When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
-------------------------------------------------

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".

This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
-------------------------------------------------

The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."
-------------------------------------------------

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"
-------------------------------------------------

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

First Time Sex | First Time Make Love

First Time Sex

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwords, he asks, ‘Am I the first man you ever made love to?’
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
‘You might be,’ she says. ‘Your face looks familiar.’

Naughty Nuns

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”

He asked how.

She said “I saw a man’s private part.” He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
He asked how.

“I touched a man’s private parts.” He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, “I’m not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.”

Water

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.

They had the following conversation :

Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.

Woman: Ok.

Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.

Woman: Ok.

Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.

After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Dr.?

Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.

How to Attract Money In Your Life

Here is some simple way to attract money in our life . :)

Never Lie To A Woman Part 2

Lesson 2

A Mom went to visit her son Kumar for dinner and found that Kumar had a
girl by the name of Sunita for a housemate...

During the course of dinner, Kumar's mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Kumar's housemate was and the mother was suspicious of a possible
relationship between the two...

Over the course of the evening while watching Kumar and Sunita interacted,
the mother started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his
housemate than met the eyes and this made the mother even more curious..

Reading his mother's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking but I assure you, Sunita and I are just housemates".

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner that night, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said," Well, I doubt it but I'll
email her just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote to his mother :

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house. I'm not
saying that you did not take the silver plate ....But the fact remains that

it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner ...


Love,
Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you
do not sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the
pillow..

Love,
Mom

Lesson to be learnt :
Don't Lie To Your Mother
She's Smarter Than You Think She Is ....

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

Black Box

BLACK BOX

3 ladies were on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that therewas a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.

AChinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to dollherself up. A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions.

The Chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guyscoming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first.

On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewelleries.

An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.

The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.

Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off. Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her. The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the "Black Box" first!

Never Lie To A Woman Part 1

Never Lie To A Woman 

Lesson 1

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a
week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I
will swing by the house to pick my things up'
' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'

You'll love the answer....

The wife replied, ' I did. They're in your fishing box ...'

How to Make a Woman Happy

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Rules To Remember In Life

RULES WE SHOULD REMEMBER IN LIFE :

Below is 5 rules u should remember :)


1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you...when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again neither does milk

Jokes : The Confused Girl

A little girl asked her mom, "How did humans appear?"

The mom said, "God made Adam & Eve & they had offspring." Later she asked her dad & he said, "Humans evolved from monkeys."

The confused girl returned to ask her mom; "Mom, how is it possible that humans were created by God & dad said they evolved from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well dear, I told you about my side of the family & your dad told you about his."

Life is full of Traps

Some feel that problems exist only in childhood or at early stage of life like this…

Some feel that problems exist only when we disturb someone like this…

Some feel that problems exist only when we are ready to take anything like this…

Some feel that problems exist only when we do things blindly like this…

Some feel that problems exist only when we dare to enter a trap like this…

Some feel that problems exist only when we are in love with someone like this…

Some feel that problems exist only when we try to aim at very huge things like this…

Bodyguard Jokes

Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building. During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down." Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!" Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"


source: jokes4us

Wife And Husband Jokes

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificatefor an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

_____________
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

Dont Do This While U Sleep!!!

1. DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH

Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.


2. DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE

Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put your mobile phone near you, switch it off first.


3. DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP

People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.


4. DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA

Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go to bed without it.


5. DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE

You may never wake up again....

Secret Message

George told the world many times : "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"

Osama himself now decided to send George Bush a friendly letter in his own handwriting to let him know he is alive and kicking.

Bush opened the letter and it contains just a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he sends it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides have no clue either. So they send it to FBI. No one could solve it. The FBI so it goes to CIA, then to NSA. But still no one can decode.

They even ask Britain's MI-6, who also give up. Then MI-6 ask Singapore for help. The "clever"Malaysian expert replies :

"Tell the President to just the message upside down. It is HELLO ASSHOLE."

Ah Beng And His Wife

Ah Beng was at home watching a football game when his wife
Ah Lian
interrupted,
"Sayang, can you fix the light in the porch?
It's been blown for a week
now."

He looked at her and said angrily,
"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like
I have a Philips logo printed on my forehead?".

"If not, can you you fix the fridge door? It won't close tightly."
To which Ah Beng replied,
"Fix the fridge door?Does it look like I have Mitsubishi written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"OK",she said,
"Then can you at least fix our bedroom curtains?They're about to fall ".
"I'm not an upholstery man and I don't wantto fix the curtains,", he
said.
"Do I have Ikea written on my forehead?Definitely not".

Ah Beng continued .... "I've had enough of you.I'm going out for a drink!"

So he went to a pub nearby, and stayed there for several hours.Later, he
began to feel guilty about how he had treated his wife, and decided to go home and help out.

As he walked towards his house, he noticed the light in the porch was already changed.As he entered the kitchen, he noticed the fridge
door was fixed.By the time he got into the bedroom, he realised the
curtains were hangingproperly.

"Sayang, how did all these get fixed?"

Ah Lian boldly said,
"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him everything.He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either bake him a cake, or have sex with him."

Ah Beng then eagerly asked, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

And grasping the very moment she had, Ah Lian sharply snapped back,
"Hellooooo ... Do you see SECRET RECIPE written on my forehead ?"

The Most Spoiled Picture's Ever

Can u imagine how kind of love things when to couple enjoying their environment together? Huh,.. dont forgot ur butt mem... hehe... Ur going to be injured while u have lot's of fat... hehe

Oh that dog... "Blacky, u ruined my picture!!"...

A dogs... No comment... hehe

Be thankful of your body... Don't be shy... hahaha... What kind of human wear nothing at the weding ceremony....

Even Scoby doo got feeling about sex... haha

Great idea to be thieves...

OMG!!... U had been spoted man,.. haha...

Even u are the gay's but dont do this... Shame on lad's...

Most precious momment... hahaha... i dont know what she 'garu2' maybe 'kurap', 'panau' or else... haha